Titan

Julia, I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while; this is the first chance I've even had to sit down and think. That damn artillery finally quieted down. It won't be long before it all starts again. It's only been 4 months since we last saw each other, and I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore.

I killed a man today… two, actually. When I used to write songs for my sax, it used to make me upset that eventually the song would end…. And I would have to write that ending. "Conclusions,"… ha. Well, that's what I used to tell myself they were anyway. Songs are supposed to end, even really powerful ones. Well I ended two lives today. It was dark and stormy. It was so sandy, that if I breathed through my mouth I could taste it. I didn't see them until almost the last few seconds. A firing line about a football field away, they just started charging. I heard screaming and the explosions from their artillery booming all around us. Christ, the fucking ground was shaking, and then we saw them…a line of silhouettes slowly getting bigger and bigger. I took aim and fired a burst or two… his silhouette fell, and before I could even think about what happened, I hit another silhouette. I caught my breath, and then it was all over. The artillery was getting louder, but I don't think I heard it anymore.

The man next to me was dead, Julia. Vicious was screaming something at me, but I couldn't hear it either. It was all sort of coming together in my mind. Not only did I kill a man today, I killed 2… I didn't even have time to think about what I'd done until it happened twice. Vicious seems to think it will get better, "easier," is what he said, actually. He's a scary guy Julia, but the men seem to really respect him. He's the only guy here who doesn't seem scared shitless, and he isn't afraid to die. I'm afraid to die, but I feel like that's less likely to happen when I follow his lead, I dunno..

My father was a veteran, I told you that. My dad and I were always very different, but I still wanted him to be proud of me. When that recruiter visited us on Calisto, I figured this was my chance to really make him happy; well.. at least he'd look down and smile. Look at how brave I was today, Dad….

I don't know who I am anymore; I don't know where I fit in anymore. I can't exactly run away from here, but I can't wait to see you again Julia. I know I'm not Spike, but when I get home I can try and make you happy… well, at least I can play you a song before bed everynight. That reminds me… I'm working on a new tune in my head, I'll play it for you as soon as I get back.

Wow, I still feel ill; but just writing this letter has already started to make me feel better. I didn't know their names, and their song is over. I suppose they would have ended my song if I had waited any longer. Well, I'm going to try and eat something. I hope you get this letter soon. Please write back soon, I can't wait to hear from someone who isn't here. Would you water my plants for me?

-Grencia